Later This Week

As promised...

I miss my friends, not because they are far away (though Jon and Ash certainly are exceptions), but because I've been far away. Not physically. Not even emotionally. But I definitely haven't been here. I feel like I've been more than slightly recluse in the past... well, few months, surfacing every so often for a birthday or the party du jour. Beyond that, not calling, not emailing, not making the effort was the mark of my (lack of) presence.

And that was my state of mind, and a lot of it was wrapped around how I was handling things like school. So another reason I'm glad another course is now finished.

With that, though, is the deeper seed I've apparently been nuturing. I did not handle this course as well as I had planned or hoped. Same old nasty habits lead to me wasting time, wrapping up my last assignment the night the course expired, and sacrificing time with my friends (plus responsibilities at the Squadron, around the home, and elsewhere) using the classic 'have to study' excuse.

Normally, when I finish a course, no matter what the circumstances of that completion, I feel relieved. Sometimes, it's because I have another one that I should have been half-way through by then. Mostly, it's because I've avoided another nail in the coffin.

Or had I? Obviously, the trend was actually more along the lines of supplying the nails and the hammer, no matter how much was completed in the educational circle.

This time, when I finished the course, there was relief. More than that though, there was disappointment. Serious anger and disappointment with myself, and in myself. How could I have almost let it slip, again, after every word I had spoken, every promise made? What was I thinking, as I let the hours slip by?

And there it was. Is, even. My shift. My paradigm, even!

The moment I felt anger for how I handled the course was the moment I caught-up with myself and said, 'this isn't okay anymore.'

And then I felt relief. Release from my self-imposed prison of idiocy. The underlying - and heavily over-toned - pressure had lifted.

I was becoming me again. The me I liked. The me others liked, and even respected.

This is the change some had been waiting for. Living better, not just at school - but everything else. A better attitude. A happier person.

Would you believe, even a restless one? Next course hasn't shown up yet. I can't wait to tackle it. The time before it shows up though, will not be wasted. Spent some time writing some emails to friends who I haven't talked to in awhile. Cleaning out my office. Hanging Christmas lights. Catching-up at the Squadron. Most importantly, spending quality time with no guilt whatsoever with Morgan.

I'm back.

-R.